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Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Ramblings from Gloria's brain.....

Here I am...trying to figure it all out which I know is impossible..I am at a really strange and scary place in my life...scary because I never thought I would be in this situation and strange because I am getting little glimpses of a me I really didn't know was in there..
The whole divorce talk is probably getting old..and I'm sorry its just what this year has become for me ..The year I officially called it quits...I am afraid to put to much out here because you know like everyone I think OMG I don't want them to think I am crazy...but I am a Little so...here it is.
Let me start by saying DIVORCE SUCKS!!!!! for everyone involved..There are no winners its a huge loss and you mourn and you get angry and you get sad and it changes you....
I couldn't stay anymore , I was becoming someone I did not like at all..I would try not be home as much as possible so we wouldn't fight and when I was home I hid...I hid from the world...I conditioned myself in a way that was really unhealthy... Running was a huge escape for me..I got to do it alone ,I couldn't really make a mistakes and if I did there wasn't anyone there to get mad at me...Honestly yes my x had a anger issues but it also came from my childhood .It was both of our faults. Very early on in my life I had a couple bad experiences..I became that invisible little girl. if you don't see her you cant get mad at her. I would do anything to avoid a confrontation...I really really don't like yelling it just puts me a really bad place..and it takes me a while to get to a safe place inside of me....I have a-lot of fears...but here's the good side of all of this...My experience is probably not to different from a-lot of others out there ..Most of us have a story ..big or little we have our insecurities and our sadness that we carry ...We had people do things to us and we have done things to people that I am sure we are not proud of...We all have struggles..The thing is there is a light at the end of the tunnel..but this is what I am figuring out...OK you cant hide.You can pretend its all OK and that the problem does not exist ..I think all that really does is make it worse..OK here is why. I think the more we put the things off in or life the worse they become..that thing that hurts you it starts creeping up on you in ways you would never imagine..its true
I have parts of me that I am becoming aware are kinda really f--up and there is a direct correlation to the fact that I was scared to face any problems so I would smile and pretend it was all OK...because what if that problem was going to yell at me...really ..Oh well let it yell and then it to shall pass.and you get through it ..You have to believe enough in yourself (like I am trying to do ) to get up and face all the shit....Just go head on....Just like in a battle you have to arm yourself with the things you need to win...In my battle my weapons consist of...a journal, a best friend that has a great outlook on life and really takes the time to speak to me (usually on Mondays) a couple good books that inspire me...Good happy music...a therapist...and complete fallow through on my part..GOD...showing up for myself because no matter what anyone did to any of us or what we maybe be doing to our self ..We can be OK...The first step being...YOU HAVE TO LOVE YOURSELF......it does not matter who you are...All that matters is that when you start being honest with yourself and saying that's OK..I still love myself enough to try to help myself...Then I think it just changes everything...You see hope you feel sad but so happy because this thing comes over you and its LOVE ..The kind we give everybody else but not really ourselves...and it feels pretty good and scary too...but I am happy to report that I am OK and I am going to give it my best shot because I only have one life and I want to grow and learn and love and accept myself for being me....and we should all do this together..maybe take a moment everyday to show up for yourself and tell yourself how great you are..You can fake it if you don't believe it but say it anyway..out load in the car or in the bathroom ...and its so crazy but it completely helps when taking on all those yucky things we are trying to make better...
So this is whats going on in my head and in my world...I hope this helps someone out there if not well it made me feel really good to get it out.....hugs and kisses from me....to you..
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