Friday, September 30, 2011

Where I am right now...

Tonight I am here sitting in my sister’s hospital room watching her and hoping that she recovers. I am staying here tonight to give my mom a chance to sleep because she has been here every night.  I have not been doing much outside of my kids and being here with my sister. I feel that I am exactly were I am supposed to be. I find that to be a wonderful thing. I adore my little sister and I pray for her and my mom.  As a mother I can’t imagine what my mother is feeling as she watches what my sister is going through.  Than there is my sister who doesn’t have the ability to tell us how she’s feeling.  It’s amazing how much we are willing to do for others. Some how me showing up to see her brightens up her day...  Sometimes I feel selfish, all wrapped up in my emotions of the day my sister is teaching me to listen and to think out side of my world.  It’s a blessing to be by her side every day, what a great life lesson.  I love holding Carmen’s tiny hands. She had a tough day.   After she had her feeding tube removed and then they tried to get her to eat applesauce.  She passed her swallowing test but when they fed her food it went into her lungs and that consequently made her sick again.  My sister loves food so not eating sucks for her.  Sadly he had to have the feeding tube put back in and that entire process must really hurt because she was not a happy camper. I told her you have to get some food in you so you can get better so you need this tube... She was probably thinking... OK G you try having some strange doctor stick a huge tube up your nose...the whole experience was bad.

I keep thinking about what to write or what to say on my blog. At this time I think asking you to keep Carmen in your prayers is what we need.  I will keep you updated.  Maybe next week I will bring my camera to the hospital and when I walk out to grab a bite to eat I’ll find some cool things to take pictures of.  Then the two of us can make a scrapbook, YEAH…  That might be a cute little project. Oh I have a Polaroid maybe ill do something with that, too.  Do you know of any Sept challenges?  I am sure there out there.  I have all night so I will surf the Internet and look.
OK my friends I will write soon.

Monday, September 26, 2011

Happy Monday..

I hope you had a nice weekend..I hope you have a great Monday.Enjoy this video its so sweet....

Friday, September 23, 2011

My Days..

For the last two weeks I have been very busy and fortunate to be able to spend a lot of time with my little sister.  My days go something like this...  I get up and go down stairs and make lunches for my kids...  I try to have all 3 kids in the car by 8:10 then I drive them all to different schools.  I am usually done by 8:45. Then I drive down to Hillcrest.  If all goes well I arrive by 9:30.  I go see my little sister Carmen Liliana she is now 34.  Carmen was born with spinal bifilar and life has not been easy for her.  She has had many; many surgeries and she cant walk or really talk.  Unfortunately Carmen recently got really sick but luckily she has made it through and is recovering well.  One of the side effects of her last surgery is the permanent loss of her voice. For the third time in her life Carmen is breathing with the help of a tracheotomy.  She is currently on a feeding tube, which she hates because she loves to eat.  My days are spent talking to her, watching TV and doing her nails.   I never watch TV but I am happy to do so with her.  I am also reading “The Happiness Project” to her.  Carmen and I hang out daily.  I love both my sisters and I know Carmen is happy to have me with her.  The room is funky green and that's really the only thing I don't like about being here.  I have fun just being with her and loving her.  I really could not think of anywhere else I would rather be.  I leave at 4 to pick up my kids and I am usually home by 5:30…  If you didn’t know San Diego traffic sucks… Then it’s time for soccer or swimming or if I’m lucky we go home.  I make something that I call dinner and then it’s homework time.  Then we all go to sleep… Yeah... most days my two little ones sleep with me…  I love it..
.  I don't feel like there is a lot to blog or report back at this time.  I know I need to start running because I have been sad and running makes me happy, so I needs to motivate myself to just do it.  I do love spending the days with my little sis and the afternoons with my kids… I wish my house was cleaner but who doesn't... I am working on a scarf and in October I am going to try knitting. That my friend is my life in a nutshell... My Day…I Hope you are staying warm and that all is well where ever you may be...



Monday, September 19, 2011

Weekend Activites..

I spent this weekend hanging out with my kiddos.  The two little ones anyway, my soon to be 17 year old daughter is to busy..  Bella had a soccer and her team lost 6 to 0.  It is OK they tried and never gave up.  It was so fun to watch.  At 8 years old I don't think any of the girls really cared that they lost...  It's great when there more into having fun and being together than winning. 

I had a long talk with my dad as we walked on the beach. I have been feeling sad. I guess its normal but I really don't like it. 

I was really lucky this week because I got my kids all week.  I spent a-lot of time with my little boy. He is actually not that little his shoes fit me..crazy huh?  He is really into trying to figure out a way to build a robot... and he really wants a cat...  He is just in love with cats right now.  We don't have a cat and Isabella and I are allergic to cats.  I don't have any friends who have cats but Christopher just loves cats...  He looked up all sorts of cats and has been planning what cat he is going to get when he grows up.  It has to be family friendly because he is going to have a big family..(  that's what he is planning)

This past weekend I have really wanted to just let go of so much yucki stuff from the past but it has been a struggle. I believe that time heals and this is all a part of the grieving process.  Healing takes time but also you have to do the work needed to heal.  I have to take an active roll in my own happiness right no... I am rolling with it but at the same time I just think that I need to try harder. Exercise, eat healthy, sleep and make my bed every morning...

I hope you had a great weekend and can you believe its almost October...Holy Smokes like really..what happened to this year...

Friday, September 16, 2011

Happy Weekend..

Things I am grateful for this Friday night.
my sons arm around me right now.
The fact that my sister is doing so much better.
That I found the coolest dress for 11$ today.
I am grateful that bella calls me mama.
That its time to break out winter coats..
That I took 2 naps this week.
That my son is into rapping..
That we dance every night after dinner for one song.
That I had my kids two extra days this weekend.
That I could spend all week with my sister.
I am grateful that I am able to see things about myself I need to change.
I am grateful for people who call me everyday..
I am grateful for my girlfriend who came in and cleaned my house while I was at work...Thank you!!!
I am grateful for my health...
I am focusing on accepting all that is happening in my life. I would rather spend my life knowing I am not perfect than spending my whole life pretending I am..

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Wed..Happy thougts

                                                       Ingredients that could make anyone smile

Root beer
Hot fudge Sundaes

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Tuesdays Happys..its about the shoes

Shoe love
I am not sure why...but I adore pictures of shoes. I always try to take my pictures of my shoes or my kids shoes when we go some were I want to remember. I always know exactly were we where and it makes me that this set.. Paola has the leopard shoes...Bella has the cute brown shoes then me..I hope you have a happy Tuesday ..

Monday, September 12, 2011

One week of things that make me happy....

Thank You Kolleen...your love I see in my Heartwing sisters fills my heart ...
There are days when I just get lost in my own feelings. I know we all find ourselves on this path from time to time. I am going to do a post everyday this week about things that make me smile..I need to smile even though I feel very sad. I need to keep it on my mind that I only have this one life this one moment in time to give everything I have...even though I find myself feeling scared or sad or insecure I must remember that those are just ugly feelings keeping me from enjoying my day. Whatever what my today may bring it is what I have to honor-so I am going to just write about things that I make me smile.
So here goes...
I met a girl who I knew was special because she was so real. Her sweet funny nature and kind heart shows through her smile. I  feel  very lucky to be able to call her my friend. I got the coolest gift in the mail the other day from her (she is a rad artist) ..Yup..My very own and original Heartwing Sister. I have one of her prints but now.... I have the real thing...Ta da!!!! Opening This unexpected gift brought  a huge smile to My face. The wrapping was awsome the tag inspiring and the best part was the girl she painted for me had my favorite word written on her in cool original Kolleen phont and  I got it on that day...You know the day that what I needed was some Hope and girlfriend Love..I got it on that day that I needed something special.


Sunday, September 11, 2011

My grams....

Life often hands us situations that just hurt. Like seeing someone we love in pain, or losing someone we adore.  I recently lost one of the if not the most beautiful giving soul that ever loved me. I am sitting here thinking or maybe knowing that my priorities were not what they should have been when she was here.  I should of spent more time with her.
 I want to share a story with you.... When I was born my grandmother was 51. My mom met my dad and shortly after that they were married and shortly after that I was in her belly.. My mom never had a mom ( she left when my mom was 3) she was raised by her older sisters. She was the baby. When my mother married my dad my grandmother hoped that they would move in with her and they did. She would tell me stories about how great it was to be able to take care of her while she was making me in her belly. My mom tells me the same thing.My mom also would tell me that it wasn't until she moved into my grandmothers house would she know what a mothers love felt like.She also tells me that she just adored my grandmother..So a couple months later I was born and my grandmother was in hospital with my mom during her labor..My mom told me that M grandmother was the first person to hold me. She also told me that that when I went home I slept mostly with my grandmother so that my mom could recover. So since the day I was born my grandmother has loved me. How lucky am I ? 
My Grandmother had the most beautiful soul . Honestly everyone she came across she took in. She fed you made sure you were comfortable. She took you into her heart and you know when you met someone who genuinely does that how great it feels..My grandmother had that gift. She brought you into her heart..can you imagine how cool that is to see your friends feel that love. That when they met her they would tell you..Your grandmother is loving. That's what she was love.. She also had the best relationship with God. She had this faith that just glowed. I Know there is a God because of her. She was one of his Angels. She was here to set an example to all of us ..She was good, honest ,loving ,caring, giving, humble,talented , funny, genuine, beautiful and loving..The world needs lots of people like her..She is the most beautiful soul and I know that when its my time I am so looking forward to seeing her again.  

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Love by my side.

I painted last night. Isabella and I loaded the dinning room table with paints and brushes and just played. I believe this turned out cute..Since I am a divorced mother of three who only has her kids 50% of the time I really do miss them when I am not with them.  I found I have a new emotion, it is the Mother with out her kids emotion.  I feel guilty not being with them.  I have decided that the best thing I can do is to try to really enjoy them when I have them. I wish I could keep Isabella little forever but I know that's not possible so in this picture she is  "Love by my side."

Monday, September 5, 2011

Labor Day in Instagram Pictures

I had a running date this morning..So we went 8 am sharp..I am glad I went because I felt happy after.

Running along the coast is magical...after we went to my house got ready to go to breakfast and yes I had a wonderful...doughnut!!

Then we went to look at the pumpkins..They are huge, it was raining today too..Kinda crazy if you ask me. Then we played school American girl doll style..Oh yeah I took a nap..made dinner ..and painted..
Hope your Labor day was good...

Saturday, September 3, 2011

My first 50K..not so much

We rode up the night before to Malibu. It took us about 3 hours and that is pretty good considering it was a Friday night and we had to go through down town Los Angeles. I drove on the way up and my dad and Jeff, one of my dearest friends husband came with us`. My dad is my cheerleader and Jeff is training to do a 50 milers so this was a great training run for him. We all decided that we needed to get some dinner before the race and that any place would do. upon arrival we saw a cocos ...Hey that works we all said...I drove up to the restaurant and when I stepped out of the car I felt this heat..How hot is it we all said to each other ? When we walked in we found out it was 90 degrees at 9 pm.. I thought to myself holy cow how hot was it here today...I asked the waitress and she told me it was well over 100...
Not what you want to here the night before your big race.. How hot will it be tomorow I kept thinking...

I woke up at 4;30 am to get ready and shower and find coffee...I had this dream the night before that I could not find any coffee so I really wanted coffee...Guess what ..The fine establishment that I chose did not have coffee...I guess I was lucky they had a clean room...but it was 3 miles away and that leaves me no chance of getting lost in the morning..Here I am at 5:30am..30 minutes before the big start...

We took of and started running up a huge hill called the Bull Dog..I was OK for the first 15 miles ..I did them in OK time and even though it was getting hot I felt I had the will  to power though anything. I was wrong...My dad met me at mile 15 and said are you going to do another loop princess? I said yes...and of I went up Bull Dog Mountain..OK here's the deal.. You cant run up bull Dog mountain unless your Amazing...most people walk..Its rocky and straight up hill for mile after mile.. I mean about ten miles of rocky, rough terrain,Very steep up hill... I found myself suddenly not so OK...

The starting elevation was 547 ft.the gain was 1950ft. The max was 2434ft.
It was hard..I can honestly say that the last 4 miles are about the hardest thing  have ever done...
I hated it..I did meet this guy named Rudy and he helped me stay OK an kept me going..I hope I helped him too..It was so hot and I felt so tired that even turning on my music seemed like to much work..I love music so I knew I was in a place that I really had not fond myself before...DONE
My feet and hands were so swollen and my toes hurt so much..

I did come across this wonderful Unicorn some people said coyote..Nope ts a unicorn..Then I thought about my scarf sisters and how much I loved them and my peeps waiting for me at home and I told myself lets just get some help and you will be OK G..

I dont look happy here... I was not happy..I was hot and I just coudnt stop feeling like  why am I doing this to myself..So even though I tried I did not finish or as they say conquere Bull Dog Mountain..guess I am ok with that because I thought was going to die.. I wont try to finish this race in the past...