Friday, May 6, 2016

Life thoughts

 I am a dreamer and I know that. I dream about things I want to do and adventures I want to take my kids on. Many times I can't afford what I want to do so I break it down and start where I can but I do part of it .  This running thing is one of my biggest dreams come true. It is crazy because I never thought of myself as an athlete I have always been a mom a wife and a daughter. 

I think athletes are the winners and the sponsored people. When I race ( see that even sounds funny to me). When I run these awesome ultra-marathons I always feel so grateful to be able to run in the woods hours I feel so whole.  There is a part of me I did not know existed before I found trail running. The girl in me that runs theses long distances she hates all the stuff that happened to the child I was once and I swear that through running I have slowly healed and forgiven . I was able to let it go but for some reason it makes me feel bigger than being left and then on that trail I suddenly feel found. The opposite of abandoned is adopted cherished , defended. Trail running gives me all these feelings. This leads me to believe that really no dream is to big. My dream of getting lost for hours in the woods came true and my dream of healing came true. Like everything it takes work and really coming face to face with ourselves . There are no short cuts but with work you can do so much and live such a good life. I am insanely grateful to be alive and to be able to have kids and run. When I wake up I say thank you lord for today.  
 Yesterday was one of the hardest days of my life . Losing someone  that is  so close to you and knowing you will never be able to see them again feels like having your heart ripped out and you just feel so sad it hurts. I know my sister is in heaven but it still hurts.  My sister and I had a special relationship you can see it when you look at pictures of us. The way she looked at me and the way I saw her. I felt like she was both my baby and my little sister. I loved her little hands so much. She was really special. Having her in our life was a huge blessing. She taught my family so much.  How can you complain about life or feel sorry for yourself when your sister is in a wheel chair and can't talk but she is as happy as can be . I know she changed my heart. You know when I was little every birthday when I closed my eyes and I wished that she could walk. I would think please when I wake tomorrow please let my sister be able to walk.  My wish never came true she never walked but her spirit soared. 

Tomorrow we have 24 mile run and I know that after my run I will feel better for a while. So if you ever thought that the whole exercise thing does not helps your mood and helps you heal . I miss my little sister so much...
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