Wednesday, January 12, 2011

I let go

I begin by letting myself be aware of my faults
I begin by not judging myself
I begin by slowly forgiving myself
I begin by letting go and not trying to hold on
I begin by understanding its OK to feel this way
I begin by understanding I cant be perfect
I begin by letting myself sit
I begin by knowing I will slowly begin to shift
I begin by once again by forgiving myself
I begin by putting away my fear
I begin by loving myself just as I am Today
Imperfectly Perfect.

Have you ever felt like this part of you was waking up inside of you .
This is my experience of what is going on inside of me at this time. I don't know if it's maturing or what I really feel like is that there is a part of me that's always been their but I was afraid to let out. So, I chose to let her hide . I am in the process of not letting my story define me. I have a really good story that when I felt sorry for myself (witch I am sure I will do again ) or maybe when I wanted an excuse for why I am the way I am I would tell. I am slowly emerging from that. I am not my story . Yes, because of my past I have become who I am . I understand that. I guess what I am trying to say is just because certain things happened in my life does not mean I am weaker or damaged. It just means certain things happened. How I am choosing to react to my past will define me.
I think when unhappy things happen when we are children to us, or when we let ourselves continue in unhealthy relationships we ..I am going to speak about just me so I will be shifting this to I.. instead of we. I can only speak for myself and hope this helps someone out there.
I have used my story as a crutch for a long time. I have felt deep sadness because of it, I understand that. I feel that I am at a point in my life were I am choosing to let go of it. I am not going to pretend that its all OK. Life is not always all OK.
Life was not meant to always be OK. I am choosing to really take a look at the not OK part and let it go. When life has handed me more than I think I can handle, first thing I do is pray.
I believe in God. I have faith that good things happen to good people so when life hands me a little to much I hand some over to him . This is what that sound like in my head.
Dear God,
I don't feel like I am going to get through this. I don't understand why all of this is happening at once. I know you wont hand me more than I can handle but I am really overwhelmed right now so I am gong to put some of this in your hands and I know you will help me carry it. Then I just have complete faith that no matter what happens since hey than man upstairs is helping me carry it . I will be OK with what ever happens.
Yes, so faith carries me a very long way.
So, back to letting go of stuff that holds us down. I am at the point were holding on is no longer working for me. I need to move passed it and I do not pretend it did not happen if anything it makes me more empathetic to peoples pain. We all have struggles I get that but man its so nice to see the light at the end of the tunnel now that its time for me to let go. The other thing is trusting my own intuition or listening to that voice inside me that's giving me permission to let go. Loving myself enough to want to be an emotionally healthy female. That's the big thing right. I love my kids ,I love my family , I am in love with Joe. Yes, I have lots of love just like I am sure you do but I need to love myself enough to emotionally pay attention to what I am feeling and nurture myself . This way I can have a much healthier relationship with my kids, my boyfriend , my family and most importantly.... Myself
This is me just as I am... sharing my thoughts my word and my story...
Big Smile,

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