Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Serious Rambling from my brain...


Is there something you do when it comes to Love that you need to fix or help or at least understand...
I do. Its not a good thing either but maybe writing about it will help.
I am a runner. I run away and I do it quickly. I run away from relationships with my girls friends when they start not to feel so good. I think the big girl thing to do is communicate...Ahh that word. I have books and books on how to better communicate.
I wish I could communicate as well as could write on my blog, Maybe that's why I love my blog.I find freedom to be me here.
I am trying to understand my patterns better. It is a little scary you to see yourself and then say wow..I do that.
I guess the first thing is trying to understand why .. Why do I have this behavior.. I know why..
I try really really hard to keep my heart safe. I don't want to grow up and have my heart turn hard. I guess in avoiding that from happening I have been missing out on the what could have beens of relationships with my girlfriends..( this feels a little scary putting this out here ) but maybe talking about the stuff we keep just to ourselves will help...
I am the go all out girl. I love life and have a passion for feeling things. I love being happy but I also like being sad its that feeling of knowing I am human and in the sadness I appreciate the happiness and in the happiness I appreciate the sadness.
The thing that I am personally fighting a battle with is letting myself fully love someone. Then trusting that they wont ------------.
I keep that personal bubble around myself . I don't really know how you know when to take it down. Do you always take it down and just let people hurt you or better yet and this is key ...Let people love you. I believe more people will love you than not. Right?
I run away. I run to this place inside of me that is very safe and has always been ever since I was 4 or 5.
OK so maybe being aware of the situation is a good thing. right ?
Then maybe acceptance ....
Then what..
Do I go with it.. What do I do when something even if its the smallest thing does not feel right or good or just reminds me of something that felt wrong. Do I go with it. Do I run?
I am in a thinking here....
can you hear my brain? I guess
The right answer would be take a chance and believe in your ability to nurture your own heart. right or wrong. I know I have the ability to love myself the way no one else can. To believe in my spirit and soul. I know it honestly lies in yourself. I do love myself and I like myself too.. I also know this life thing is not always easy. We must or OK I am having an aha moment in all this contemplating its that ability to love myself through this. Its my ability to honor my thoughts and beliefs. I own my self love. I just must learn to trust a little bit more..OK.
baby steps..
So after this post if you think I am a little crazy..that's OK. I am a very emotional and passionate girl and with that comes all of this..
I am consistently letting myself be more open to my imperfections...oh man..There are so many..but maybe I will only let in a couple at a time.
Baby steps are good. The most important thing I have learned from this post is no matter what we are going through or were our thoughts and life experience may take us...never stop loving yourself because Love is key..and tell yourself everyday you love yourself. Self talk is huge. Tell yourself good things about yourself and then just go with it...
So my amazing soul sisters thank you for reading and go out there and love yourself...

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