Monday, March 14, 2011

A letter from my dad to me

I wish I had a picture of my dad so I could show you what he looked like. He was a hippie ,drove a VW bus.. I loved his bus it had little curtains and I think it was purple. I am not sure. He was not around much while I was growing up. I absolutely don't blame him for anything . I never have and never did. I just felt grateful when he showed up. I loved when he would call and then my grandmother would say Yoyis that's my nickname is Spanish..Your dad is on the phone. My heart would jump with excitement. My dad was on the phone for me....yup..I have a dad.
That's how I treated every encounter with him. They were all gifts. I was never mad at him ,I missed him but I never made him feel anything other than loved when I saw him..
I did miss having a dad. That's why now as an adult I am so grateful to have my uncle mike who is married to my dads sister. He has stepped in and is just like a dad to me.
Anyway, I was given a letter today that had been lost in some box somewhere. My dad knew he was dying. He had emphysema and he still smoked. I guess the Cigarettes won. There is a letter in the box to me from him..He wrote it before he died...I think I want to share it.
Its sad OK...but here goes.
To my little daughter,
My darling Gloria-sorry I let you down as your father you never let me down as my daughter. Please be happy for me. I want you to always be that way all your life- When we meet again I will make it up to you what I should have done for you but I didn't know how to when I was in the psychical body-I am sorry my baby. You will always be mine remember that. So take good care of your family for gram pa now. Oh my baby girl I love you so you ll never know. Say hello to them all for me everyday OK.
Daughter remember I will always be there just call me and close your eyes.
I love,love, love you
always your dad, Pancho
That's the day he died.. but I loved him with all my heart.
I just thought it was sweet to share and it really reminds me of how important it is to be a good father and mother. How important it is to love our kids all the time....and not pass judgement. He did what he could and I think being a dad was a-lot to ask of him at that time. I can close my eyes and see his face, its smiling at me..That's perfect for me...I do miss him and the what could have been but all in all I am happy and am so grateful for this letter he wrote to me....
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